MY EXPERIENCE

I have always thought that reading the description of how beings attained their realization was not very useful, and might even have the opposite desired effect. The mind creates expectations and tries to reproduce these experiences and the resulting phenomena to trick, to confuse. The nature of my experience was so, that I doubt anyone would like to reproduce it.

In 1996 Robert Adams had me cooked, very cooked, but I decided voluntarily not to take the last step, the last surrender, at that time. Why and how is part of another story which I will tell some other time.

In 2010, my wife Bibiana was diagnosed with 2 inoperable brain tumors and a few months of life expectancy. After battling breast cancer for 5 years, she suddenly fainted at work and was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where I was waiting for her. Some hours later , the doctor showed me the results of her tests.

I thought these things happened only in the movies, but the nightmare was happening to my character. What would be the worst time of my life had begun by having to tell Bibiana that afternoon, that her life was ending.

After being hospitalized for a month under paliative care and apparently in good health, she was discharged from the hospital. The doctors told me not to worry, that when things started to deteriorate, we should return to the hospital and they would take care of everything.

When we got home, Bibiana and I decided not to return to the hospital. What would happen, would happen in our house. We would be together and I would take care of her.

To avoid any drama since this story is not about that, I will tell you the outcome. During six months, Bibiana worked and enjoyed her life with a few limitations. We would go to alternative therapies and maintain a trickle of hope. We had faith in a miracle. In August all hope evaporated. In a matter of hours, her deterioration resumed at a fierce pace, taking us by surprise. I remember an afternoon when Bibiana held my hand , looked fearfully into my eyes and said “ Luis, I am dying.”

Everything happened as expected. Her constant deterioration and her growing dependency on me. At the final stages she was blind and could not speak, although she could hear all the words of love that I would say to her. I know this for a fact since they would calm her. She never needed morphine nor any strong sedatives. So on December 7th, 2011, I whispered in her ear “Bibiana , my love, stop struggling, it’s not worth it, I will be all right and God is waiting for you.” She understood perfectly that the moment to leave had arrived.

But this story really starts at the moment that Bibiana said “Luis , I am dying.” Something happened inside of me , deeply inside of me, and I begged, like I had never begged before. I did not want to reach that stage in my life believing that “I” was going to die. I asked my self to not keep me in ignorance. I asked Robert Adams to help me. With a strength that surprised me, I begged not to die in fear.

And just as when I asked to meet my Teacher at Lester Levenson’s tomb, again the response was immediate. The pain of seeing Bibiana dying grew to such an extent…, the thoughts about what I should have done to help her, her imminent death and a future without her grew tremendously. My ego’s suffering reached a point where it could no longer suffer any more. I had reached my limit. And something very profound cracked. My mind no longer functioned, my ego exploded into a million pieces.

I started living in the present , second to second. There were no thoughts, therefore there was no suffering. But that wasn’t only it, every situation had an extraordinary beauty. Everything that had seemed terrible, unjust and not normal some days ago, now was beautifully natural and easy, just perfect. Bibiana and I would laugh, we loved each other, I enjoyed every second with her. I would look at her and saw her so beautiful, so lovely. Changing her diapers, helping the nurse clean her, feeding her, were all tasks that I did with total surrender, a love so profound that I had never felt before. I did not have any idea of what was happening, I thought that I had gone nuts, that I had lost my compass. But I didn’t want to change anything. I started to live a double life. In front of family and friends I behaved like the usual Luis. I didn’t want them to notice how crazy I was.

There were moments during the day when Bibiana slept, that I would sit in silence in my studio and I would surrender to that which was unknown to me. I would disappear into a void full of peace, I would surrender fully and completely to this. At the beginning I was afraid of disappearing totally and leaving Bibiana alone. But I started to realize that this void was wise and it would recreate Luis at the necessary moment. Luis would reappear seconds before Bibiana would call me with her bell. Luis became present right before the nurse arrived. So with that trust, I would surrender to the void. Luis would disappear and all that remained was pure consciousness, pure perception without object, parameters, concepts , and an eternal peace.

After the funeral, the question was, what would happen with all of this? Would this sublime madness disappear? What would remain of the experience? Surprisingly the peace and the stillness stayed like always, it remained the same. The feeling of living in a dream, the lightness that that feeling gave to my life, that sensation, rather the certainty, that all that happens is unreal, remained unchanged.

And curiously, someone appeared that I had thought lost. My ego, Luis, the character, tried to reclaim lost territory. It tried to seduce me again, take advantage of the situation. It would say “ You are accomplished, you are realized, you are one of the greats, one of the few.” It continued, “You need to get out into the world, let everyone see what you have achieved. Start teaching, you are a Master.” But my ego was so ridiculously false, so desperately inoperative that it made me laugh. It was so funny to watch it try . It bombarded me with concepts related to my children, my career, my future… all those things that I had worked for in the past but had lost all substance. Nobody could be fooled anymore.

I kept calm, ready to accept that everything could be a mirage and that it could all disappear at any moment. I remained open, without desires, surrendered and in silence. I didn’t speak to anyone, not even with my realized friends. I had no need to comment on what was happening. Who was I going to tell it to if “I” was everything?

Time passed , years passed and the stillness remained. I did the same things, I even forced situations in the spirit of testing my limits. But peace remained immutable, inviting me to a total surrender, without effort, in complete and absolute trust.

Luis de Santiago